Carol is IFF’s Community Coordinator and Yoga Ambassador. We were looking forward to hearing all about Carol’s trip to Morocco with her husband as it would be a different travel experience in comparison to her last trip to India with IFF’s Om in India Retreat in November 2019. We are grateful for her safe return home and the light she always brings into the studio. Thank you Carol for sharing your insight and wise takeaways from your trip.
Anger is an emotion that really unsettles me; guilt, anxiety, depression are old familiar friends but not anger. Unfortunately I was angry by day 3 of my Moroccan trip and my anger continued even when I returned.
We had chosen a bus tour with a great itinerary that advertised small groups. That was a lie. We were a group of 48 people! I was immediately disappointed but I wasn't going to let that ruin my trip. However, I soon realized that precious time was wasted on washroom breaks and lunch breaks. Our guide was rude, abrasive and loud especially while flirting with some of the women on the trip. We were rushed through the most fascinating aspects of the trip in order to spend hours sitting in factory stores listening to sales pitches. We were taken to restaurants where the food was bland and boring. I could go on and on.
I found myself becoming increasingly agitated and angry. Not wanting my trip to be ruined I worked at changing my attitude. I tried meditation, repeating mantras and journaling. I smiled and pretended I was enjoying myself. That didn't work; my anger grew.
Failing to repress my anger lead to guilt. I knew my anger was disproportionate. Believe me I was aware of my privilege, of my great fortune to be able to travel and to be in such an amazing country but my inner hormonal petulant teenage self had taken control.
I needed some solitude and quiet to process my feelings and to understand why I was so attached to my anger. That was not available on this trip so I tried to give myself kindness and understanding. Self pity set in. My anger and my guilt turned to tears - tears I fought hard to hide because I didn't even know how to explain them. Why was I so sad?
The people I saw first upon my return were subjected to a tirade as I listed all the things that infuriated me about the trip, but slowly I felt my emotions shift. The first shift came when I took the shoes I had worn in the sand dunes of the Sahara out of a bag in order to clean them. There was approximately a spoonful of soft red sand in each shoe. I smiled.
The second shift came from writing this blog. I discarded at least 7 accounts of my trip - discarded because all I did was list my complaints. However, in doing so I realized I was justified. The company did lie, not only about the size of the group but also about the style of hotel, and we were rushed about from place to place simply to take pictures and buy from stores chosen by the guide. I wrote a letter of complaint to the tour company.
The next shift came when I heard myself telling people over and over again that my biggest disappointment was that we were forced to leave the desert camp, where we slept in gorgeous Moroccan style tents, at 6:00 am giving us no time to relax with a cup of coffee and watch the sunrise. Each time I complained about that morning I heard myself say, "It is unlikely I will ever again have the opportunity to spend a few morning hours in the Sahara. I was cheated out of an experience that would have been absolutely amazing." That's when I realized the source of my anger. I was afraid that I may not have as much time left as I would like in order to have adventures - in other words, I am afraid of aging.
When I discussed my anger with my friend Laura she told me that anger is a secondary emotion and it is vulnerability that fuels anger. The fear of what may be coming as I age is what made me vulnerable and once I understood that I was able to let go of my anger. I was once again on familiar ground. I have been dealing with that fear since I retired. I know I am doing everything I can to live my best life right now and I am very happy with the choices I have made. For the most part I am living my retirement exactly as I want. Aging is out of my control but I can do what needs to be done to remain strong and healthy, and hopefully become wiser.
Writing about processing my emotions about my Morocco trip has helped me understand myself. This has been a significant reminder of the importance of self reflection because when we fail to do so we remain stuck. We can tell ourselves over and over again to let go of our attachments, especially when they don't serve us, but self awareness is crucial to this process and to self growth.
In consideration of all that has happened because of the corona virus since I began this blog I feel a little foolish about making such a big deal of my anger. If you've actually read all this my inner petulant hormonal teenage self who is still longing to be heard thanks to you!