It is so very easy to focus on the dark right now. We have all experienced so much loss over the last few weeks, so having this intention to look for the light every day, has really help to turn my energy around.

My husband and I have been isolated at home since March 15, just like you. I am cycling through emotions of grief and hope. I have moments when I am okay and other moments when my body is in a low vibration. This pandemic is filled with many struggles and it is really f**king hard. But each day the sun rises and as the weather gets warmer, spring is here and I can feel how everyone has figured out a new normal.

I planted some seeds a few weeks ago, vegetables like broccoli, zucchini and corn. I start my day with a cup of coffee and a visit to the windowsill to mist and water my babies. Waiting and watching for new growth has been grounding, almost like a new form of meditation for me. Time seems to both expand and contract.

Sometimes when I am eating breakfast worries creep into my thoughts, I usually eat pretty late. I have really started to notice that for some reason, over these last few weeks: tension, anxiety, negative thoughts and my past struggles have made their way into my awareness. They come in waves, especially in those quiet moments like when I am eating a meal. I am talking about dark, nasty unwanted shit from my past and my childhood, crap that has been buried in my basement. I thought I had dealt with this stuff! I know it's coming to the surface because I haven't and I know it's showing up for a reason.

Everything is bubbling up at the same time; my consciousness floods with memories that I never really labeled as "trauma" until now. I turn to my mat and I take time for myself to breathe through this tension. I soften into each posture. The time that I have spent on my mat is a gift, it helps me to work through what is going on inside my body. Everything feels so heavy but my practice reminds me of the light.

Choosing how I should act when I encounter these unexplored feelings and emotions has been testing my very foundation. Yet behind all of the worry that is lingering is a profound truth and perhaps it starts with me surrendering to these forces that are outside my control. So sometimes I let the shit in the basement surface, I breathe into it and notice what happens.

My nervous system responds, the temperature in my body changes, and I can feel a pounding in my chest as my heart races uncontrollably. My breath shortens, a vibration fills me from head to toe. Sometimes it is sadness, other times it is grief and then there is shame. Geeze Louise it is awful.

But these feelings are real and present and so this practice of mindfulness is almost like a vaccination for these emotions that I am feeling. Often these emotions can show up as sensations in you before they show up as a conscious thought in your mind, like the way I am feeling tightness in the chest, increased heart rate, shallow breathing and I am even clenching my jaw.

The awareness-raising that yoga helps to cultivate in my life is probably the most impactful part of yoga for me, especially right now. Yoga is simply mindfulness in movement. It is the practice of being aware of the present moment without judgment. Yoga is my passion, therefore I know what I need to do to help work through those boxes that need unpacking in my basement.

In the meantime, the community is generous and bright: porch drop off surprises, that unexpected message with words of kindness, online monopoly matches, and the way students continue to show up for my classes brings me some respite.

For my eighteenth birthday, my mom gifted me a Kenmore sewing machine; as a teen I had big dreams of becoming a fashion designer. With lots of time and the materials that I had on hand, I decided that I would try to make my own face masks. This turned into a hilarious project. I sewed the back to the front, then my first mask was too small. The youtube video that I watched showed this lovely lady completing her face mask in just under 30 mins. It took me much longer, but after a few tries, I created a mask using an online pattern, scrap fabric, a pipe cleaner and a shoelace! Pretty creative I think. This project also kept my mind busy, perhaps as a way of healing or maybe it was a spiritual bypass, whatever the case it helped to pass the time.

This pandemic has helped me to lean into my resourcefulness, I am noticing we waste less food and life is a lot more simple. I am getting creative around the house looking for what I already have on hand before we seek buying something new. I even turned my master bedroom closet into a "recording studio" as I work at creating more online content for you. This allows me to step away from those feelings of worry and fear. I remember the light.

I miss going for coffee at my favourite local shops. I hate how I dodge away from people who are around me in the stores and how I feel obligated to wipe down every item that I bring home from the grocery store. Almost everyone and every endeavor and every service has been impacted by this situation which brings back that remembrance that we are all in this together. There is a silver lining that helps us to focus on the things that are already present in our lives - the things that are still beautiful.

We remember that there is so much good in this world, to take time to count our blessings and to look for the silver lining wherever we can find one, especially on those days when it is challenging, and on the days when the basement is really dark.

We have all experienced so much loss over the last few weeks, so having this intention to look for the light every day, can really help to turn your energy around. Without minimizing my pain or struggles, I start to look for the good, the gold, the light.

Wherever your intention goes, energy flows. So what about you, what can you do to help yourself seek out the light?

It is in this reflection that you will start to serve your highest good by reminding you that there is light present everywhere. We just need to get on our mats and get quiet enough to find it.

All my love,
Jackee

More About Jackee

Jackee started practicing yoga in 2012 seeking nothing more than a physical workout. As she started to build strength, flexibility and balance, she had no idea it would take her on a soul searching journey that would soon connect her with something so much deeper than just her physical body. Yoga opened up a world of stillness and softness. Jackee immediately signed up for her 200 hour teacher training at Inspire Yoga in Mississauga under Diana Lockett and Daniel Horgan. With an additional 20 hour certification in Yin/Yang with Erin Aquin and De La Sol in Hamilton. She follows all of the principals of the Anusara tradition. This traditional style of yoga focuses on connecting your postures with your breath, alignment and opening up your heart. Yoga has changed Jackees life and as a teacher her intention is to inspire her students to safely move with breath, combined with intention-setting, and a fun upbeat soundtrack, to ensure presence and joy in each moment on the mat.